last week, i watched a colleague do something i’ve seen a hundred times before.
we were in a planning meeting. logistics stuff. timelines, resources, who does what.
he had proposed a plan. and someone politely pointed out a flaw. a real one. the timeline didn’t account for a dependency.
his response? he didn’t engage with the flaw. he doubled down.
“no, no, you’re not seeing the bigger picture. this is how it’s done.”
he repeated himself. louder. more confident. brought up past projects where he was right. talked about his experience, his track record, his taste.
the other person backed off. not because he was wrong. because it wasn’t worth the fight.
and he walked away looking like he’d won.
but he hadn’t won. he’d just built his shadow bigger.
what i mean by shadow here#
not the jungian shadow. not the dark side.
i mean the projection. the image. the monument you build so others see you a certain way.
the car. the bike. the home. the brand. the taste. the knowledge. the “i know better.”
some people build it with money. some with status. some with the way they talk, the way they correct others, the way they make you feel small without saying a word.
it’s real. it works. it makes people respect you. or fear you. or both.
but it’s still just a shadow.
the schopenhauer thing#
i’ve been reading schopenhauer again.
he talked about the will. the endless striving. desire that’s never satisfied.
you complete a task. you feel a moment of relief. then immediately, you’re looking for the next thing.
new target. new achievement. new proof that you matter.
it never ends. because the will doesn’t want completion. it wants more.
same with the shadow. you build it. you feel secure. then someone else has a bigger one. and you’re back to building.
the accumulation never satisfies. it just keeps the machine running.
my own shadow#
i need to be honest here.
a while back, i switched jobs. got a better salary.
and for a few weeks, i felt it. superiority. social security. like i had arrived.
i’d bring it up casually in conversations. not bragging exactly. just letting it be known. checking how people reacted.
it felt good. until it didn’t.
because underneath the salary, nothing changed. i was still uncertain about the future. still anxious about losing the job. still the same person.
the salary was shadow. the security was projection. it looked solid. but it wasn’t real.
the moment i admitted that to myself, something shifted. i stopped leaning on it. stopped performing it.
it was still nice to have. but it wasn’t me.
the jung connection#
jung said the shadow is the part of you you don’t want to see.
here’s the twist. the projection is also a shadow. the mask. the persona.
jung called it the persona. the face you show the world.
and his insight was the same. if you identify with the persona, you lose touch with reality. you become the image. you forget you’re the person behind it.
accumulating more shadow doesn’t fix it. it just makes the persona heavier.
the solution isn’t to stop building. it’s to stop believing in it.
build the career. build the reputation. build the taste. fine.
but know it’s a shadow. don’t live in it.
what actually helps#
i try three things now.
1. breathe before responding
when someone challenges me, the urge is to defend. to prove. to build the shadow bigger.
but i pause. breathe. ask: “does this actually need a response?”
usually, it doesn’t.
2. look at myself from 10 meters away
if i were watching myself from a distance, would this response feel right?
would i look like someone defending the truth? or someone defending their image?
the 10 meter view cuts through the shadow.
3. observe the emotion, don’t act on it
when the urge to prove myself rises, i just watch it.
the frustration. the ego. the need to be right.
i don’t suppress it. i don’t act on it. i just watch.
and after a while, it settles.
here’s the strange thing. when i do this, other people’s shadows settle too. when i stop reacting to their performance, they stop performing. the game dissolves.
the takeaway#
even with a large shadow, you’re still human.
the moment you believe otherwise, you start losing yourself. you become the image. you forget the person.
build what you want to build. the career. the home. the reputation. the knowledge.
but keep one thing clear. it’s shadow. you’re human above all.
and the only way to stay grounded is to keep checking. is this me? or is this the image?
because the image will never satisfy. only the real thing will.
what’s one thing you’ve built that you’re proud of, that you also know is just shadow?
