friday night.
post-dinner. not sleepy. restless.
one tab led to another. somehow ended up on schopenhauer.
not a conscious choice. just… the algorithm knew what i needed.
i don’t know german. can’t pronounce his name properly. but something about his words hit different that night.
he talked about the will. a blind, unconscious striving that drives everything. no reason. no goal. just endless wanting. the source of all human suffering.
i read it. sat with it. and then slowly, i felt something stir.
not from the book. from inside.
my own shadow.
the one i’ve been hiding. the one i pretend isn’t there.
the anesthesia confession#
a while back, i had leg surgery.
nothing too serious. but they gave me anesthesia. the strong kind.
and when i woke up, something strange happened.
my guard was gone. completely.
the filter i usually have — the one that keeps me composed, measured, appropriate — it just… shut off.
i started talking. openly. honestly. things i would never say in normal circumstances.
not secrets exactly. just… truths. unfiltered. the kind of things you keep to yourself because they don’t fit the version of you you’ve built.
my family was there. they heard it all.
i don’t remember most of it. but they told me later. and i felt this quiet embarrassment. like i had exposed something i wasn’t supposed to.
but here’s the thing.
that wasn’t a different person talking.
that was me. just without the mask.
what schopenhauer would say#
schopenhauer would call this the will.
the blind force underneath everything. the drive that doesn’t care about your morals or your image or your carefully constructed self.
the will doesn’t negotiate. it just wants. endlessly. unsatisfied. always reaching.
most of the time, we keep it contained. we have a social self. a professional self. a self that knows what’s acceptable.
but when the guard drops — when we’re under anesthesia, or tired, or drunk, or frustrated — the will surfaces.
and it speaks.
what jung would add#
jung would call this the shadow.
the part of you you don’t want to see. the impulses, fears, desires you’ve pushed away because they don’t fit the image.
the shadow doesn’t disappear when you ignore it.
it just waits.
for the right moment. the right vulnerability. and then it speaks for you.
jung’s insight was that the shadow isn’t evil. it’s just unacknowledged. and when you push it down, it grows stronger.
the only way to reduce its power is to bring it into the light. to know it.
my own shadow#
i’ve been hiding things.
frustration. impatience. a quiet anger at things i can’t control.
not the big things. the small ones. the daily irritations that build up.
bangalore traffic. people who don’t listen. the gap between what i want and what i have.
i push it down. i tell myself it’s fine. i go about my day.
and then, when the guard drops — like it did in that hospital bed — it comes out.
not dramatically. just in a comment. a tone. a silence that says more than words.
my shadow talking.
what actually helps#
the first thing: observe.
when you feel the frustration. when the anger rises. when the words want to come out.
just breathe.
don’t react. don’t suppress. just watch.
“ah. there’s that feeling again.”
the second thing: accept.
the shadow is real. it’s part of you. it’s not going anywhere.
you don’t have to act on it. but you don’t have to pretend it isn’t there either.
the third thing: integrate.
when you know your shadow — when you can see its shape — it loses power over you.
it doesn’t go away. but it stops controlling you.
the paradox#
the more you try to hide your shadow, the more it controls you.
the more you try to be the “good” self, the stronger the “bad” self gets.
but the moment you stop fighting it — the moment you just observe — the fight dissolves.
it’s not about eliminating the shadow.
it’s about knowing it.
because when you know something, it stops being formless.
and formless things are the ones that scare us the most.
the real you#
there is no real you and pretending you.
there’s just you. all of it.
the composed self. the shadow self. the one that shows up in meetings. the one that surfaces under anesthesia.
they’re all you.
you don’t have to pick one.
you just have to stop pretending one doesn’t exist.
